the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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