I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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