sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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