I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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