hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
