It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
