I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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