Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
