I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
