All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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