Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
