we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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