i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
