Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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