Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
