Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
