You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
