The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
