I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
high people should be assigned attendants
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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