This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just gift wrapped bread.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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