Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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