GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
this is an emotional support booty call
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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