I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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