So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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