Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
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...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
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We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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