My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
