Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
