Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
