did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
