I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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