i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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