I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
