I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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