Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
