I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
