its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
