so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
