You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
