I wish I could teleport
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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