Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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