Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
