I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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