I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
