I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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