I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Randomize
