Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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