someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
