exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
