I showed him my bush... on skype.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
