also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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