Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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