I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
