Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
