**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
