Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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