I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I cannot find my penis.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
