I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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