So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
