just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
