omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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